With the backdrop of the Manhattan skyline on the Hudson, I spend precious moments with people I love. Yet every now and then, I come across a question which I can never answer…
What the hell am I doing here?????
Yeah, yeah I know…it sounds pretty clichéd. Yet, it sets me thinking every time. The worst part is that it often haunts when I am supposed to be very happy….maybe in the gorgeous lanes of Times Square or within the beautiful Central Park! I try to assure myself that I have come here for betterment……..I have come here to gain experience, I have come here to build my bank balance which will help me in future, I have come here cause my company got my visa processed and there was no other way but to come here.
IT slaves hardly have a choice. I am sure people would disagree with me saying that this is the best thing that could happen to me…….an onsite opportunity I mean! An opportunity to work at the client location in a new country is supposed to add to my resume as well.
But then, is it really worth?
When I can’t be with my parents when they are retired and their world revolves around me? When they wake up from sleep waiting for my online status in the communicator just to find that I cannot take their call because I am having dinner with my friends, thanks to the time zone difference? Is it really worth when the max I can do is send a gift or two online, but can’t be with them when they want my presence? When all that I can do is reassure them that I am doing well, when I am actually not? Working here for 10-12 hrs per day and then slogging over the weekends when you get paid for only 8 hrs per day for 5 days a week, life is not as cool as it appears.
Am I selfish, or am I not?
It’s now a regular random thought.
I miss my days back when I could sleep in peace with my parents on both sides.
I miss my days when I got a hug every time I felt sad. I miss those days when the both of us would just wait for a few moments of togetherness. It felt so blissful to be in each other’s arms, just hoping that the never ending time would linger on.
Maybe I am thinking a bit too much…given the fact that this separation is temporary. But it’s painful nonetheless L
I don’t want to believe that Mom and Dad will have more grey hair that I left them with. I don’t want to believe the fact that my sweetheart will be away from me for as long as I am here. I know it’s just a few months, but then time actually does not fly when you want it to. The only consolation is the belief that I always carry with myself always ……….
All that happens happens for our good.
I don’t remember where I picked up this line from. What made me believe it…but frankly it’s very convenient. It helps you move forward without any grudges in life. When you feel bad, you always have the faith that there’s a silver lining somewhere hidden beneath the dark clouds.
Till date, there has hardly been anytime when I had to pen down my thoughts with a choked throat to deal with. There has hardly been a time when I had to suppress my tears which would otherwise wake up my roomy, another IT slave, who’s catching up with some much needed sleep. All this happens………not in India, the poor country where comfort is termed luxury, but in a land far from India, where Indians come rushing like the rats behind Pied Piper. Guess the term ‘rat race’ originated from here.
Well, on a different note, I don’t deny the fact that life is much easier out here. Everything is at hand, and it’s very easy to be self sufficient. It’s all about rules, it all about law. It’s all about comfort. But at the end of it all, it’s all about the dollar rupee conversion rate. I am sure this country will lose its charm if the conversion rate dips to a negative value. Well, I fervently hope that I am back in India by then. Huh…there I am, back to my selfish self.
The ironical part is that in spite of all my cynicism, I like this place. Guess it’s my idiosyncrasy that drives me in this respect. I have loved every place that I have lived in till date. And I never stop missing the places I lived in earlier times. Not a very small journey…in the past 25 years……..from Durgapur to Kolaghat to Mysore to Hyderabad to Mangalore to Hyderabad and finally to New York. Not to forget the several small journeys that I have kept on making between these big milestones. I feel old now J covered a lot of ground till date!
Aah, now I understand, this is what Quarter Life Crisis is all about. Starting on one note and ending on another. Confused random thoughts striking at the same moment and fingers craving for gathering speed at the keyboard. Can’t help it…after all, MS Word seems to be an easier option then literally ‘penning’ down thoughts to an IT slave!
More to follow.........
Posted by SHRMITRA on behalf of the author
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